Everyone Wants to Jump The Shark
by RumbleintheDumbles
Summary: In which everyone loves Sidon, Mipha is most certainly not dead, and Link still doesn't quite understand what is going on but has long since learned to go with the flow.
1. Zelda

**A/N: Hello, everyone! Trying to get back into the swing of writing and flex my atrophied crack muscles, so I decided to start by writing something new for what has become my favourite game. We know everyone loves Sidon, right? Well, Imma take that premise, and take it all the way to it's naturally silly conclusion.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own anything here.**

* * *

Link understood, on an instinctual level, that introducing Princess Zelda to Prince Sidon was probably a bad idea.

But of course, Mipha didn't call him a 'reckless child' for nothing, so he did it anyway.

Link knew that Zelda wasn't exactly someone who was used to a large amount of positive reinforcement. Her father, King Rhoam, wasn't what Link would have called exceptional at that sort of thing, and while Urbosa was always understanding, she was usually more from the 'yes, things might be bad, but they will get better' school of confidence-boosting.

So when they first met with the charismatic Prince Sidon, who, due to their defeat of Calamity Ganon had organised a parade in their honour the moment his scouts reported their approach, and the Zora Prince spent the better part of ten solid minutes praising everything from Zelda's valiance and bravery to the quality of her boot leather, the poor princess was left understandably flustered.

Things proceeded about as expected when Sidon was involved from there, with the Princess joining the many women in Zora's Domain who were crushing hard on the Prince, leading to the currently amusing situation he had just witnessed, where Zelda had spent several minutes engaging in increasingly petty small-talk with the characteristically oblivious Prince (he hadn't noticed an entire fan club, what was one more?), who clearly had other things to be doing but was too unfailingly polite and friendly to turn her away.

When she finally made her way back over to him, shoulders slumped in obvious failure, he realised that this was his moment, the chance to put everything he had learned about friendship to the test, to provide encouragement and support to his comrade in her time of need!

"You could try force-feeding him a frog."

Well, it was the thought that counted.

"Oh, shut up," Zelda grumbled, cheeks turning red from the somewhat embarrassing memory, "I think I liked you better when you couldn't remember embarrassing stories about me."

"Well, if you've got another Calamity Ganon somewhere."

"Don't give me ideas," the princess said dangerously. Wisely, Link shut up.

* * *

The next day, he found her jotting in a small book.

"Observation: The subject does not seem receptive to conversation about the variety of non-edible flora in Faron Woods," she mumbled to herself, "Hypothesis: due to the subject being a Zora, I may find more success with my romantic endeavour if I focus my conversational efforts on local phenomenon, such as aquatic fauna and flora native to the region surrounding Zora's Domain."

He stared.

She looked up, and jumped when she saw him. "O-oh, Link. What are you doing here? Am I needed for something?"

Slowly, he pointed to the book in disbelief.

She had the grace to look abashed. "It's not what it looks like?"

He raised an eyebrow, unimpressed.

"Okay," she broke, "It's exactly what it looks like. I'm not very good at this! I need to document what isn't working so I can find something that does! I mean, it's not like I have anyone with prior experie..." she trailed off, looking at him strangely.

He internally grimaced. That was the look she gave him when she wanted his assistance in the advancement of some fell alchemy, and usually involved him eating some kind of bizarre substance or creature in the name of the dark deity she called 'science'.

"Link," she began slowly, "I know this may be a… difficult topic, but it occurs to me that between the two of us, you're the one who has successfully romanced Zora royalty before."

Link relaxed. If _that_ was all she needed, then he would be happy to share more of his helpful advice.

"Get injured," he said simply, "A lot."

She stared at him. "What?"

"That's how I ended up engaged to Mipha."

She stared some more. He gave a determined nod, just to show how confident he was in this plan.

Finally, she made a note in her journal. "Perhaps I'll... keep that one back as a last resort," she decided carefully, before taking her leave.

Link frowned as she walked away, shaking her head. Well, if she wasn't going to take his amazing help, it was her loss. It was a tried-and-tested method with a 100% success rate, after all.

His silent grumbling stopped when a strange, green glow appeared before him.

"Link..."

The voice was faint, but familiar.

"Link..."

Seriously, what was it with faint but familiar voices saying his name over again and expecting him to take any kind of meaning from it?

A form began to appear. A humanoid form, slightly shorter than he was – his eyes widened as it began to take on a familiar shape.

She looked exactly the same as when he left her in Vah Ruta. Right down to the little green flames that floated around her.

"Mipha?" he asked faintly, wondering if someone had mixed up the Hylian Shrooms he had in his dinner last night.

"Yes, Link," she smiled. He had travelled the entire continent. He had looked down from the tallest peak and seen everything the world had to offer laid out before him. He had looked out across the endless vastness of the ocean. He had watched a majestic dragon spirit slowly emerge from Lake Hylia, illuminated only by the rising sun. There was still no other sight that could compare. "It's me."

"But… you're dead-"

"Yes, about that," she stopped him, "That's not the story we're going to be telling everyone else."

His brain went from wonder to confusion in an impressive amount of time. "What?"

"I have been observing events here since the defeat of Ganon, and it occurred to me that you and I are the only ones who actually know what happened inside of Vah Ruta," Mipha explained happily, "So I took this as an opportunity to... bend the rules somewhat and be with you once more!" her voice dropped to a whisper, " _And make my move before Sidon strikes again."_

Link nodded, not hearing the last part. Okay, he could see where she was going with this and he obviously approved.

"And you're wearing the armour I made for you!" she clapped her hands happily, "Does that mean you-"

He nodded.

"Wonderful! Let's go get married right now!"

He stopped nodded. "Wait, what? Shouldn't, you know, your family -"

"No!" she panicked slightly, "No, we need to do it right away, before my brother has a chance to speak to you again! I can't give him any more opportunities!"

Well, that sounded weird, but he didn't mind. He nodded and allowed himself to be led away.

He could have sworn he heard her mumbling something under her breath about how someone 'could have the rest of them but this one was hers'. Ah well, he was sure it wasn't important.

* * *

The next day Zelda found him, he had both unexpected (to her) company and a silly grin on his face.

"Link."

He nodded.

"Link, Mipha is standing next to you."

He nodded again.

"Now," Zelda began slowly, "It's not that I'm not delighted to see her or anything, but… isn't she supposed to be dead?"

He shook his head.

"What an awful thing to say," Mipha gasped, giving Zelda her most impressive 'wide-eyed look of hurt'. It was an extraordinarily powerful technique. "I did not die. I was merely, um..." she shot Link a questioning look.

"Held captive in stasis," he suggested.

"Yes!" his absolutely not-dead wife seized the metaphorical lifeline with both arms, "Held captive in stasis."

"But... we were told quite explicitly that you were dead," Zelda argued.

"Ganon propaganda," Mipha said serenely.

"Ganon propaganda?" Zelda queried incredulously, "He was, in his various incarnations, either a giant mass of near-formless evil, a spider-like technological horror or a gigantic boar made of malice. I don't think he was even _capable_ of propaganda."

"Which is clearly why you never saw it coming and I forgive you for being caught up in his wicked scheme," Mipha agreed reasonably.

Zelda merely pointed to the Zora Princess' immediate right, where one of the little green floating flames characteristic of a dead spirit hovered beside her.

Mipha's arm shot out and grabbed it, immediately going to hide it behind her back. "That could have belonged to anybody?" she offered quickly.

Zelda continued to look thoroughly unconvinced.

Mipha folded her arms in a huff. "Okay, fine," she said through her pout, "I believed that if King Rhoam could stay behind for one hundred years to play around with a paraglider, it was perfectly fair for me to spend a bit of quality-time with my husband, especially given that I now have to make sure that my brother doesn't accidentally seduce him too."

Clearly deciding to firmly ignore the last part of that sentence, Zelda protested the first. "That's preposterous! My father did not stay around as a spirit for one hundred years just to play around with a paraglider! He had far more noble intentions!" She paused, "Wait, husband?"

"Yes, we married last night!" Mipha confirmed happily, "Had to be quick about it, and all that."

"Well, congratulations!" Zelda offered sincerely, before turning to Link, "A-anyway, Link, you spoke with the spirit of my father when you awoke from the Shrine of Resurrection, you must know that he wasn't lingering in this world just to fool around with a mere toy, don't you?"

He thought back to one of his first memories of the spirit of King Rhoam Bosphoramus Hyrule.

" _Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee," the old man cried in joy as he floated over the Bokoblin camp, gleefully avoiding the arrows coming at him from below with long-practiced ease._

"In his defence," he finally offered after a short silence, "I would definitely do that too."

Zelda gave him a look he could only interpret as pure, concentrated defeat. "I've decided that I'm not going to question any of this any further for the sake of my continued sanity," she decided firmly, "it's absolutely lovely to see you again, Mipha. Perhaps… do _you_ have any advice to help me talk to your brother?"

Mipha looked thoughtful. "Well," she said after a moment, "Have you tried getting injured a lo-"

"You know what, never mind, I'll figure something out myself," an exasperated Hylian princess declared as she stormed away.

"Well," Mipha said after a moment, "I suppose good advice is the one thing you can't give away for free. That's a tried-and-tested method with a hundred percent success rate, after all!"

Link put a commiserating hand on her shoulder.

* * *

"Observation: the subject is profoundly oblivious to subtle romantic overtures," Zelda mumbled as she jotted down more notes, "Hypothesis: to successfully obtain the attention of the subject, a more overt gesture is required."

Link raised an eyebrow as Zelda slumped in her seat. "But how to test this?" she implored nobody, "I can not work up the courage for an overt confession of my feelings, but there must be a way I can..." she trailed off as she took stock of Link's attire. He shuffled nervously.

A sudden gleam entered Zelda's eyes as she began scribbling furiously. "Observation: Princesses of the Zora give a gift of hand-made armour to demonstrate romantic interest in their preferred partner. Hypothesis: if this tradition could be successfully co-opted, it would likely lead to a successful result!"

She stood up. "Link," she declared with all the confidence of someone who was about to attempt an undertaking they had absolutely no experience in whatsoever, "I'm going to make some armour!"

Link was about to suggest that she ask Mipha (who, admittedly, was currently busy trying to convince her joyous family and the people of Zora's domain about the 'facts' of her uninterrupted survival) for some advice or even to teach her how to create viable armour, but she stormed off before he got the opportunity.

He shrugged. Oh well. He was sure it would work out okay.

* * *

It turned out that his assumption of it working out okay was somewhat optimistic.

Because it really wasn't okay. It was the opposite of okay.

"He didn't even realise it was supposed to be a piece of armour," Zelda said miserably, "I don't even think _he_ knew what he thought it was, but he's so nice and polite that he thanked me enthusiastically anyway."

"Well," Mipha, taking some time off from a hard day's campaigning to convince the majority of the Zora people that any talk of her once being dead was terrible, terrible slander, tried to console her. "It could have been worse?"

"How could it possibly have been worse?" Zelda demanded.

"You could have also tried to make him leggings and a helmet," her Zora counterpart admitted.

Zelda slumped even further. "I don't even know where I went wrong."

"Well, I know a thing or two about armour," Link pointed out quietly, "And it definitely isn't supposed to try and _wear you back_."

"But I didn't have access to a white scale, not being a Zora, so I was sure if I used an ancient guardian core it would be a viable substitute," Zelda protested, "How was I to know it was still active or would react in such a manner with the other components?"

"True, I suppose if you were attempting our cultural method," Mipha mused out loud, "Testing for aggression is not... quite... part of the traditional armour-making process," seeing Zelda somehow look even _more_ despondent, she quickly changed tack, "B-but at least the damage was mostly contained! Only poor Seggin ended up injured."

Link tried very, very hard to be upset about that. Fortunately, he did not have to make the attempt for long, as an air-shaking and very familiar roar echoed throughout Zora's domain.

"Vah Ruta?" he asked aloud.

"Not quite," Mipha corrected him, "Muzu."

Link and Zelda both gave her different variations on the same utterly nonplussed look.

"As you know, Muzu was rather… overjoyed, at my return from my unfortunately unavoidable detainment," the princess of the Zora proved that her alleged and very much unproven death had not affected her mastery of the delicate art of the understatement.

"Do you mean he's _still_ crying?" Zelda's amazement was the thing that finally overcame her misery, "But what does that have to do with Vah Ruta?"

"Well..." Mipha sounded strangely impressed, "It seems that he managed to produce so much water that Ruta felt like its dominance was being threatened and accepted his challenge." She blinked as Ruta's roar echoed through the domain again, "But at this point, I feel like we should probably go to calm them down before it gets out of hand."

Link sighed, and palmed some shock arrows. He'd figure out which one he was firing them at when he got there.

What, hold a grudge? Link? Never.


	2. Paya

**Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Nintendo. I own nothing except a copy of the game and a silly imagination.**

* * *

The situation with Vah Ruta and Muzu had been resolved with minimal collateral damage. Link hadn't even had to shoot anyone thanks to Mipha's impressive efforts to calm down both belligerents. He very pointedly did not let his disappointment at this show, for that way lay sleeping on the water-couch for at least a week.

Nontheless, as much as he enjoyed spending time there, he and Zelda could not stay in Zora's Domain forever. They had work to do, and if Hyrule was to be rebuilt after the Calamity, they had to keep tabs on all of it, not just one small part, no matter how pleasant. Zelda had her heart set on visiting Kakariko Village, mainly to reconnect with one of the only other living people who remembered her from the time before Ganon, Impa.

What Link didn't quite get was how she managed to swindle King Dorephan into having Sidon and Mipha accompany them. It was an impressive move by the princess that he didn't see coming. Granted, he was going to ask Mipha to accompany them anyway, and she was an old hand at travelling Hyrule at this point given all of their adventures as Champions, but Sidon was the heir to the throne (Mipha had 'graciously' relinquished her claim, seemingly as an act of charity but he understood the real reason was that keeping it would have given people more reasons to question her 'alive' story.)

Some might think that it was rather foolish of them to travel without a guard detail, but then again, the main threat in Ganon had been defeated and with him gone there really wasn't any creature left alive that Link was sure he could not beat. The others were no slouches in combat, either – well, Mipha was an extraordinary spearwoman, and he himself could vouch for Sidon's competence. (Though come to think of it, Link _really_ had to ask him about that time he beat an Octorok the size of an island.)

Well, all of them except for Zelda at least, who, until his battle with the Calamity where she created a magical super-bow that he absolutely was _not_ sore about not being able to keep, was still, despite all logic and reason, almost completely useless in any kind of combat situation. He would never forget the time, pre-Calamity, when she accepted an invitation by some children in Hateno village to play 'Knights and Bokoblins' with them only for it to somehow end with Link, Revali and Urbosa having to rescue her from a cave full of actual Bokoblins. He still hadn't figured out how to ask her how that chain of events had come to pass without getting shouted at, now he thought of it. Maybe he could have gotten Mipha to do it by playing the sympathy card, if that didn't involve getting Mipha to actually admit that she had died.

Regardless, they had little trouble on the road, and so it was that the party of four found themselves entering Kakariko to rampant applause from all the residents. Even Impa herself was stood waiting for them at the entrance with a smile on her face, which legitimately surprised Link as prior to that point he had been sure she actually couldn't move from that cushion she sat on in her home.

"Link, Hero of Hyrule and vanquisher of the calamity," Impa greeted them respectfully after they followed her back to her home, "Zelda, Princess of Hyrule and sealer of Ganon. We are honoured to be in your presence." She turned to the other members of their party. "Prince Sidon of the Zora. It is an unexpected pleasure."

"The pleasure is all mine, dear lady!" Sidon responded enthusiastically, "My father counts your people among our staunchest allies and I hope that will continue for decades to come!"

"I as well, even if these old bones do not live to see it," Impa agreed, then blinked as she took in the appearance of their fourth member. "Wait, is that Princess Mipha? But... you died."

"And I'm sure you can show me the body which would prove that assertion," Mipha replied pleasantly.

Impa shot Link and Zelda a confused look. "Just go with it," Zelda said resignedly.

* * *

Link had, when they first planned to set out from Zora's domain, initially been somewhat concerned about returning to Kakariko. Mainly because of Paya.

He knew the girl had something of a crush on him, and she was so damn nice and timid that he couldn't think of a way to let her down gently without feeling like a terrible person afterward, but if he didn't, and his wife was around, well… yeah. Awkward would not begin to cover it.

"So, what will you do?" Mipha asked him.

Fortunately, he had no concerns about it now.

"The situation will resolve itself," Link stated with such unshakeable confidence that Mipha accepted it without another word.

And sure enough, later that day, Paya met Sidon.

* * *

"Greetings!" Sidon said pleasantly, "I do not believe I have been introduced to your charming companion, Link!"

Paya, used to looking down when talking to Link, found herself staring directly at the extremely well-built chest of the Zora prince. Realising after a moment that Link was not going to introduce her in favour of letting her introduce herself (one of those 'getting out of your shell' things Impa made people do), she, with some effort, managed to drag her eyes upward to the curious gaze of the visiting royal.

"Uh, H-hello," she stammered out, nerves emerging in full force, "My name is P...p...pa...pa...Paya!"

"That seems rather difficult to pronounce, but I shall endeavour to do my best regardless," Sidon responded grandly, "Greetings, P...p...pa...pa...Paya!"

She resisted the urge to curl up into a ball. He had to be mocking her.

"It's just Paya," Link interjected, "She gets shy."

"Ah!" Sidon nodded, "People keep using that word around me, but I am yet to discover its meaning! Non-the-less, my apologies for the lingual mis-step!"

The apology was so earnest that she was forced to revise her earlier opinion. Apparently, he wasn't mocking her, and there actually was a person in the world who was like this.

"As recompense, please, allow me to accompany you and assist you on your errands!"

She blinked at the unexpected offer. "O-oh, no, I couldn't possibly-"

"But I insist! I can not let such a slight to a friend of Link's go unaccounted for, and on top of that, assisting you shall allow me to learn much about your wonderful culture!"

"Oh," she looked at Link for help. The problem was, Link was gone. In his place was a hastily-drawn sign saying 'Have fun'. It was actually rather impressive that he had managed to assemble it in the length of time it took for them to finish their conversation. "O-okay, then."

* * *

As the two walked away, Sidon chatting happily while Paya nodded hesitantly in places, Mipha gave Link a frown from their impromptu observation post behind a bush. "She seems like a nice girl. It doesn't feel fair for her to join the chasing pack around my brother where the chances are so slim."

"She's better off with a slim chance competing with a hundred girls for Sidon than with no chance competing with you for me," Link replied absently.

Mipha stared at him for a moment, mouth open. He raised a confused eyebrow. "What?"

"Are you sure you've never done the 'romance' thing before, dear? Because you're extraordinarily good at it."

Link blinked, but nodded. "Very sure. I went to lessons, once, if it helps, but all I really took away from that was that broken bones and surprise attacks are generally frowned upon as part of the courting process."

Mipha struggled to parse that statement. "What?"

"In Gerudo Town, romance is serious business," he nodded sagely.

"Ah," she shrugged, as though that explained everything, before her brow furrowed. "Wait, how have you been inside Gerudo town?"

Link paled. "Uh..."

Mistakes had been made.

* * *

"Look at her," Zelda hissed.

Link raised an eyebrow.

Paya was cleaning one of the shrines that sat on the ledge opposite Impa's home. Sidon was cleaning two others at once, whilst telling some story or another that the Sheikah girl was happily giggling away at. Link repressed the urge to celebrate triumphantly at the success of his plan.

Instead, he turned back to Zelda, who was simmering with unrepressed rage. "Look at them! First it's 'oh, Sidon, help me carry this food basket', then it's 'Oh, Sidon, help me clean these shrines,' then it's 'Oh, Sidon, help me clean my bedroom out' and then the next thing you know they'll be-"

"I get it," Link interjected quickly.

"I mean, what does he see in her?" Zelda rocked back and forth. Link resisted the urge to make the obvious and very crude joke that he was fairly sure would see his face meeting the palm of a hand in favour of answering constructively.

"I really don't think he's interacting with her any differently than any other person he has ever met."

"Is it because she's taller than me?" Zelda continued, "Or is it the 'shy wallflower' appeal? I must observe more closely!"

"Ah, I'm not actually a part of this conversation. Okay, then."

"Observation: Impa's granddaughter is getting far more attention from the Prince than is warranted," Zelda ranted quietly to herself as she wrote in her book, "Hypothesis: she is a she-devil seductress who steals away good men from honest, hard-working Princesses," she clenched her fist as she scribbled her last note, "Conclusion: a declaration of war is required!"

With that, she stormed off angrily, leaving a stupefied Link. He probably should have expected this. Zelda was strong-willed as they came. But what could he do? Paya, non-confrontational creature that she was, was clearly ill-equipped to defend herself against the petty rage of a jealous genius, but if he tried to help her, he'd be seen as taking a side, and he was sure that would go down _fantastically_ well.

He was still stood there when Mipha found him half an hour later.

"Link? Is something the matter?" she asked with concern.

He turned to her, face blank.

"I think that, in my haste to solve a problem, I've unleashed something I do not fully understand," he paused, "I believe I now know how King Rhoam felt when the Guardians turned on his kingdom."

With that rather concerning bombshell dropped, he seemed to come to a realisation, adopting a thoughtful, yet somber look.

"If you need me, I'll be playing with the paraglider."


End file.
